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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29998095">The Guardian</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/gonta_gokuhara_lover/pseuds/gonta_gokuhara_lover'>gonta_gokuhara_lover</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Armin Arlert Needs a Hug, Dissociation, Eren Yeager Needs a Hug, Eren Yeager-centric, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Older Eren Yeager, Songfic, The Author Regrets Everything</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 19:27:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,092</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29998095</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/gonta_gokuhara_lover/pseuds/gonta_gokuhara_lover</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A songfic inspired by The Guardian // Shawn James . It's about Eren but there's some Eremin if you squint for it .</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Armin Arlert/Eren Yeager</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Guardian</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Listen to the song while you read , it makes it WAYYYY better .</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <i> when does it get quiet ? <br/>time was supposed to extinguish the desire , <br/>but the embers won't snuff out </i>
</p><p> </p><p>' Someday you'll understand , ' they always said . ' When you're older , with more experience . '</p><p>Eren thinks he's had more than enough experience under his belt for a lifetime . His eyes are adorned by Titan marks that he can feel indented into his face if he concentrates on them too long , or when someone looks at him for a little bit too long to be comfortable . Light streams in through his dusty window into the even dustier room , onto his off white sheets and a mattress that doesn't support anything enough to be considered actual bedding . </p><p>He wills the soreness in his body to leave him . It doesn't work , but he pretends for the sake of himself . </p><p> </p><p>
  <i> haunted by your smiles <br/>this mask keeps getting heavier<br/>one step forward , two steps back </i>
</p><p> </p><p>Armin is on his mind more than he wants to admit , even to himself . Of how small he'd looked the last time they'd seen one another . The time he'd had to push him and Mikasa far enough away that they wouldn't become collateral damage . It had hurt , sure , but he knows he's in the right . </p><p>Or , at least , that's what he's trying to convince himself , sitting up against the wall , underneath that terribly thin blanket afforded to him by snatching it off of a clothesline . Upon further inspection , it's a sheet . Not that he really needs the extra warmth anyway , since there's steam in his blood and smoke in his bones . It hurts a little bit sometimes , like phantom titan limbs . </p><p>
  <i> there's a noose round my neck and the further i get <br/>it's harder and harder to breathe<br/>can i find a way to cut the rope ? </i>
</p><p>His mirror is an offending object . He stares at his own eyes as he brushes his teeth , grinded down from the constant terrors in his sleep . Eren tries not to mind the nightmares . Convinces himself that they mean nothing . </p><p>Eren convinces himself of many things . That he hates Armin . That he hates Mikasa . That he's right . That they're wrong . That he doesn't miss any of them . That he's not going to regret anything . </p><p>That this is freedom . </p><p> </p><p>
  <i> ive been waiting for dawn , <br/>but the light is all gone <br/>don't know if im already blind </i>
</p><p> </p><p>Armin is the one that he can't seem to get out of his head . Mikasa has always been by him , sure , but that's why she's so easy to convince himself he doesn't miss . She would understand his cause , right ? She never fought him on anything , and so she wouldn't fight him on this . </p><p>Eren can't tell who protected who , between him and Armin . The look on the blonde's face across the table from him as he spoke to Mikasa reminded him of his mother when Mikasa had told her that he wanted to join the scouts . It was scalding . He tries not to think about it . </p><p>The water has been running for too long . </p><p>He turns it off . </p><p> </p><p>
  <i> can i leave it all behind ? </i>
</p><p> </p><p>Eren doesn't remember why he chose to live in this place . To be honest , he doesn't remember much of anything these days . It all feels monotonous , even though he does it all with purpose . Is the purpose even worth it ? He's lost the things he's trying so desperately to save . If only they had come with him . He could keep everyone safe . </p><p>He's not a little boy anymore . </p><p> </p><p>
  <i> what's it really for , if it's not yours and it's not mine ? <br/>this victory is not what i'd hoped for  </i>
</p><p> </p><p>Eren wishes , distantly , that he could go back to being the kid he was , reading that contraband book about the ocean . When Armin still had light in his eyes , still smiled . </p><p>When he still felt like he could take him there without some impending sense of doom . All he'd wanted was freedom . To get out of the cage . To avenge his mother . </p><p>Where had that anger gone ? Eren isn't sure he feels much of anything anymore . </p><p>Regret , maybe . </p><p> </p><p>
  <i> how was i to know that everything would end up like this ? <br/>survival of the fittest , of sorts </i>
</p><p> </p><p>Eren wonders if Armin's been eating . He's always had a weak stomach , and has always been thinner than the average man . Especially with so much carnage going on around him , he doubts Armin can keep much of anything down . After all , the first time he'd ever killed someone - In Eren's name , he remembers - he didn't eat nearly anything for weeks . </p><p>He wonders if Mikasa still keeps that old scarf around her neck , or if she retired it after he had spoke to her with such venom . The red has long since faded from when they were kids to just a dull brown , and she'd mended it so many times that it's not even really the original garment anymore . </p><p>He wonders if they'd take him back if he asked . </p><p> </p><p>
  <i> so ive become the bringer of death<br/>the lover of life<br/>the one who guards from the dark of the night </i>
</p><p> </p><p>In his mind's eye , he can still feel the ghost of the night Armin had fallen asleep on his chest , his hair getting too long to be any kind of safe for the ODM gear he was supposed to use , and yet Eren never commented on it . He had breathed softly , face at peace for once in a long time . </p><p>Armin never stopped looking afraid when he was awake . If a Titan doesn't kill him , the stress just might . Somewhat like a rabbit , Eren realizes . Even after the chase , after the wolf has long since given up , the tremors in his heart hurt him more than the predator . </p><p> </p><p>
  <i> ill be the hammer of war </i>
</p><p> </p><p>He wants to protect him again . To see him look peaceful . </p><p>That's not an option anymore . </p><p> </p><p>
  <i> justice and mercy don't live side by side<br/>so in retribution ill abide <br/>ill tip the scales to justice's end </i>
</p><p> </p><p>Even if they can't understand his reasons , can't understand the method : he's doing it for them . For Mikasa , for Armin , for Levi , for Hange , for everyone they've lost . He wonders what Erwin would think . </p><p>What his mother would think . </p><p>Getting dressed is a process for him when he gets lost in thought . He's not even put a shirt on yet , just staring off into the closet like it's going to happen if he concentrates hard enough . Getting lost in his head is a habit by now . </p><p>He doesn't want to think anymore . </p><p> </p><p>
  <i> but can it make amends ? </i>
</p>
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